Fall From Grace
I did something I never thought I would ever do, I had an affair a couple of years ago. The world around me, inside and outside, blew up. I became so embarrassed and ashamed. I hated myself for not doing what I encouraged others to do. I hated myself for going outside the boundaries of God, ultimately disobeying Him. It was hard to even look at myself in the mirror because I didn’t want to see the person looking back at me. Where was the girl who had the strength to say no on national TV? Where was the girl who would regularly turn down modeling jobs because they didn’t meet her standards? Where was the girl who didn’t put herself in compromising situations? I wanted to die.
Unfortunately, I didn’t immediately run to God. I ran from Him like Adam and Eve did in the Garden of Eden. How could I face the One who died for my sins, taking my place on the cross? How could I go to the One who was holy, righteous and perfect in all His ways when I was filthy and a complete mess? I didn’t want to face Him or even other people. How could I deal with their judgement or handle the stones they would throw at me? So I hid in my parent’s house for awhile and spent countless hours in my bedroom there. At times, I would cry so much that I couldn’t cry anymore. Even though I made very unwise decisions, I still experienced the merciful hand of God upon my life. He didn’t leave me or abandon me. Even as I am typing this I am fighting off tears because of the miraculous grace of God. I can testify that He truly is the Good Shepherd willing to leave the 99 for the ONE. He left the flock and pursued me. “But is patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should reach repentance.” (2 Peter 3:9)
One day I decided I had enough of running and hiding. From the depths of brokenness, I cried out to Him asking Him to forgive me for what I did and for the people I crushed and disappointed. “The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.” (Psalm 51:17) I repented, asking forgiveness from God and from others. I wanted to do a 180, no longer continuing down the path that leads to destruction. There are definitely severe consequences to sin. God wouldn’t be a just God if there wasn’t because He hates sin. I’ve had to deal with the consequences. When we sincerely repent, He says in Scripture that “He removes our sins as far as the east is from the west,” remembering them no more. He doesn’t see us through the lens of our sins or our past like some people may see us through. He sees us forgiven and cleansed through the blood of Jesus Christ, clothed in His robe of righteousness.
After I did what I did, I thought my calling from God was done. I thought I was useless. He reminded me, “For the gifts and the calling of God are irrevocable.” (Romans 11:29) He reminded me of the story of David and Moses and Paul. He can bring beauty from the ashes (Isaiah 61:3). I have experienced the grace of God like I have never experienced Him before. I’m newly married now and the Holy Spirit is helping me to write a new chapter for my life. I own my first home. He has opened the door to modeling again and I didn’t even knock on any doors. He just opened them for me. I go to a “church” where I am surrounded by people who love me and they feel like family. The Holy Spirit has inspired me with creativity to create different things that He wants me to do that has left me in complete awe of Him. I still have to battle shame and embarrassment and regret. I wish I could go back and undo what I did. Unfortunately, the past cannot be undone. If you are reading this and have a past, wondering if God still loves you and wants to use you for His purposes, He does. If you are reading this and you are filled with shame, embarrassment or regret… ask for His grace to give it to the One who bore your shame on the cross. Shame keeps us feeling defeated, crippling us so that we cannot fulfill God’s calling upon our lives. The Bible says, “we are more than conquerors through Jesus Christ,” so we can be victorious through Him!!!
In Luke 7:47 Jesus says, “Therefore I tell you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven—for she loved much. But he who is forgiven little, loves little.” My own sins have ignited within me a richer and deeper mercy for others. I am in complete awe of God’s unfailing love for me. “But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” (Romans 5:8) Our faith should always be fixed upon Jesus Christ, the only perfect One. Just like you have seen with my life, I can greatly disappoint you because I am human and have a carnal flesh that I need to crucify with the Holy Spirit’s power. “Watch and pray that you may not enter into temptation. The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak (Matthew 26:41).” I would like to leave you with this… be careful of saying that you will never do something because you just might find yourself one day doing something you never thought you would do. I’ve painfully learned that each one of us are capable of anything. How do I know this?! Because I did something I never thought I would ever do. “Therefore let anyone who thinks that he stands take heed lest he fall (1 Corinthians 10:12).”
